Application Jokes / Recent Jokes

- Real Programmers don't write specs. Users should consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and take what they get.
- Real Programmers don't comment their code. If it is hard to write, it should be hard to read.
- Real Programmers don't write application programmers, they program right down on the bare metal. Application programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming.
- Real Programmers don't eat quiche. Real Programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They eat Twinkies, Coke and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
- Real Programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
- Real Programmers don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and the coward.
- Real Programmers don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get more...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1. 0 to Husband 1. 0 and found that it's a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.
She is now noticing that Husband 1. 0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Husband 1. 0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. She's finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2. 4, GirlsNight 3. 5 and CocktailNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).
During installation, Husband 1. 0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such more...

... she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.. .. she thought a quarterback was a refund.. .. she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. .. she thought Boyz II Men was a day-care center.. .. she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.. .. she thought General Motors was in the Army.. .. she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.. .. she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.. .. under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics".. .. she tried to drown a fish.. .. she tripped over a cordless phone.. .. she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it
said "concentrate".. .. she got stabbed in a shoot-out.. .. she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DONT WALK".. .. they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.. .. at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius".. .. she asked for a price check at the Dollar more...

He went to the post office to pick up a job application. He got in line at about 2:50 PM. By the time he got to the counter it was 3:05. He asked the clerk for a job application. She told him the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her he had been in line since before 3:00 and he only wanted to pick up an application. She repeated through gritted teeth that the employment office was only open from 1:00 to 3:00.
He told her, "Listen all I want is an application. I don't care if you hire me or not. I'd like an application and by law you have to give one to me."
She glared at him, went in the back room, came back with the application and threw it across the counter at him. As he picked it up and was leaving, he said to her, "No wonder you guys shoot each other."

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.
Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively more...

A NEWLY-employed villager was very weak in English. Once he asked his more educated neighbour to draft an application asking for casual leave for a day as he was down with fever.
The neighbour dictated the application in the following words: "Respected Sir-As I am suffering from fever, I may kindly be granted casual leave for today only."
He kept a copy of his application for subsequent use. Later, on the eve of his sister's marriage, he wrote an application on his own. It read as follows: "Respected Sir-As I am suffering from my sister's marriage tomorrow, kindly grant me casual leave for the next two days."

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as - "Millennia Year Application Software System" (MYASS).Next Monday, there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so, currently, only, one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not suprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week, my secretary said to me: "I'm a little nervous. I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was more...