Application Jokes / Recent Jokes

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________ HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________ SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________ BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________ HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____ Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________ If NO, please explain ____________________________________________ ___________________________________________________________ Number of years they have been married _______________________________ If less than your age, explain _______________________________________ ____________________________________________________________ Do you own a van? _______________ A truck with oversized tires? _______________ A waterbed? _______________ A pickup with a more...

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6. 0 to Wife 1. 0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1. 0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.

No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that,
Wife 1. 0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10. 3, BeerBash 2. 5, and
PubNight 7. 0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected
(even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1. 0
automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55. 8 more...

Discretion advised when upgrading.
Last year, a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular aspect was included in the product brochure or documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and more...

This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him. NAME - Greg Bulmash DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place. DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle. EDUCATION - Yes. LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility. SALARY - Less than I'm worth. MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes. REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked. HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any. PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment. MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here? DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what? DO more...

This is an actual job application!
NAME: Greg Bulmash
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that more...

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269
Dear Sir,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.
We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife more...

your momma is so fat, she has more chins than the hong kong phone book.
your momma is so big, when she went to the airport and told them she wanted to fly, they stamped goodyear on her ass and put her on a runway.
your momma is so fat, she uses a vcr as a beeper.
your momma is so fat, she influences the tide.
Your mother is so stupid, on her application under education she put HOOKED ON PHONICS
your momma is so stupid, she failed a blood test.
your momma is so old, she was a waitress at the last supper.
your momma is so old, she proof read the ten commandments.
your momma is so stupid, on here application under sex, she put twice a week.
your momma is so dumb, it took her 2 hours to watch 60 miniutes.
your mommas so stupid, she thought she needed a token to get on the soul train.
your momma is so dumb, she got fired from the M & M's factory for throwing away all the W's.