Arm Jokes / Recent Jokes
How can you mend King Kong's arm if he's twisted it? With a monkey wrench.
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend's father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter's chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamondsNow, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter's suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they'll stay wilted all night." So," I'll call out jovially. "I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you're STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?" As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room. Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as heck not picking more...
A man is walking around getting drunk holding a duck under his arm. Once drunk enough he decides to go home. He walks up to his door and knocks and his wife answers, he says with the duck under his arm this is the pig I been f***ing. The wife replies thats not a pig dumbass thats a duck. He says I was talking to the duck.
Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for' 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away --ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour-- bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window." I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and more...
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident, and called from the hospital about the four casts.
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to takeoff when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside.
The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The airline rep said "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is, I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."
He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on more...
After WWII, two Poles returned to their destroyed village to locate the first one's wife. Going through the rubble, Victor came across a dismembered arm and called over, "Hey, Stanley, wasn't this Anya's arm? I think this is the wristwatch you gave her." "I dunno, Victor," said Stanley, and they continued the search. A little while later, Victor came across a severed leg." Stanley, couldn't this be part of Anya? She had great legs." Stanley shrugged and they walked on. Finally the energetic Victor came across a woman's head, which he held out at arm's length for his friend's inspection." Nope," said Stanley at last. "Anya was a lot taller."