Arms Jokes / Recent Jokes

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing. One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could. After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes.. . . Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks... DOH!

Ingredients:
2 Loving Eyes
2 Loving Arms
2 Well Shaped Legs
2 Firm Milk Containers
1 Fur Lined mixing Bowl
2 Large Nuts
1 Large Banana (small will do)

Method:

1. Look into Loving Eyes.

2. Fold in Loving Arms.

3. Spread Well Shaped Legs.

4. Squeeze and massage milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.

5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed.

6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief.

**Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl.

Warning: If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.!!!!

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
“I’ll be ready in a few minutes, ” she said. “Why don’t you play with Spot, my dog, while you’re waiting? ” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through. ”
The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through–over the balcony railing. Just then John’s date walked out.
“Isn’t Spot the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen? ”
“To tell the the truth, ” he replied, “Spot seemed a little depressed to me! ”

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. "When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. more...

A woman had grown tired of living alone and decided she would like to have a companion to share her home with. She placed an ad in the newspaper outlining her requirements. What she wanted was a man who: 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, 3) was good in bed.
A couple of days later, she heard her doorbell. When she answered it, she saw before her a man in a wheelchair who had no arms and no legs.
"Hello," said the man. "I'm here regarding your ad in the newspaper. As you can plainly see, I have no arms so I could never beat you and I have no legs so I could never run away from you."
"Yes, I see that, but are you any good in bed?" she asked.
"Lady, how do you think I rang the doorbell!" he replied.

Recipe for Banana Bread Ingredients: 2 Laughing Eyes 2 Loving Arms 2 Well Shaped Legs 2 Firm Milk Containers 1 Fur Lined Mixing Bowl 2 Large Nuts 1 Large Banana Method: 1. Look into Loving Eyes. 2. Fold in Loving Arms. 3. Spread Well Shaped Legs. 4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until Fur Lined Mixing Bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger. 5. Add Banana - work in and out until well creamed. 6. Cover with Nuts and sigh with relief. Cake done when Banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl. N. B. If cake begins to rise leave town immediately.