Artificial Jokes / Recent Jokes

Original Monologue by Larry Miller, an American comedian.
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress more...

So once three scientists American, Japanese, and Pakistani are discussing their nation's scientific capability.
The American says, "In our country there was this boy who lost his legs in an accident, and we put artificial ones, and today u know he's an Olympic gold medalist!"
So the Japanese laughs and says, "This is nothing. In our nation there was this boy who lost his hands and legs in accident and we put artificial ones, and today u know, he's karate champion!"
Now the paki laughs and says, "These are nothing, in our nation there was this boy who had no brains, and so we put a coconut in his head, and today u know...... he is the' Military ruler of Pakistan!"

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone.
Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup, drove down to the woods, and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how he would know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked not even one was lying down. So he loaded them up in his pickup again, drove them to the woods, and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the next morning the farmer is beat, so more...

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination. The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered okay and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all. The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again. To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time. By the next morning the farmer is beat, more...

A farmer was worried that none of his pigs were getting pregnant. He called a vet and asked what he should do if he wanted more pigs. The vet told him he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer, not wanting to appear stupid, answered "okay" and hung up the phone. Unclear on what the vet meant by artificial insemination, the farmer decided it must mean he had to impregnate the pigs himself, so he loaded all the pigs in his pickup and drove down to the woods and shagged them all.
The next day he called the vet again, and asked how would he know if the pigs were pregnant. The vet told him they would be lying down rolling in the mud, but when he looked out the window not even one was lying down. So, he loaded them up in his pickup again and drove them to the woods and shagged them all again.
To his dismay they were all standing the next morning. So, again he loads the pigs in his truck, drives them to the woods and shags them for the third time.
By the more...

Her version: 'Oh did I mention or did I not? Well doesn't
matter now, I already started talking. Jane came over, while I was having a cup of coffee. I didn't even sugar the coffee. By the way did you notice that I lost 10 pounds? No, you didn't notice, you never notice. Anyway she came over and wore an ARTIFICIAL wig. I mean isn't that awful? An ARTIFICIAL wig? I mean her husband could buy a real one with his money, but I didn't say anything, it's none of my business. I asked her how much weight she lost and she said she lost 20 pounds. Yea, right like I can see, I have eyes you know. Oh did I say why I asked her that? Because we follow the same diet, and you don't know that. Well anyway we sat down and had a cup of coffee. His version: Jane came over for a cup of coffee.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
Artificial intelligence.