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I was musing on similarities between Santa Claus and system administrators. Consider:
Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
Santa seldom answers your mail.
When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
Santa laughs entirely too much.
Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.
Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas
to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned
to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The
mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and
big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The
boy said that she did. She then said, "Tell your mother that
Southwest always pulls out on time."
1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. more...
I would ask you how old you are but I know you can't count that high.
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas toChicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to hismother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why dont big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldnt think ofan answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked thestewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, whydont big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did yourmother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So thestewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out ontime."
How to tell a Democrat from a Republican during the Holiday Season
by John Carlson And you thought you could tell Republicans from Democrats by how they vote. Not so! Just observe how they act during the holidays: Republican say "Merry Christmas!" Democrats say "Happy Holidays!"
Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending $50 to the Salvation Army. Democrats help the poor by giving $50, one buck at a time, to panhandlers on the street.
Democrats get back at Republicans on their Christmas list by giving them fruitcakes. Republicans re-wrap them and send them to in-laws.
Democrats let their kids open all the gifts on Christmas Eve. Republicans make their kids wait until Christmas morning
When toasting the Holidays, Republicans ask for sherry or mulled wine. Democrats ask for egg nog.
When not in stores, Republicans use a catalog. Democrats watch for "incredible tv offers" on late night television.
Democrats do more...
This Poor Innocent Guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30-minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the more...