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Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Some see things as they are and ask' why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask' why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
Stay in with the outs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

Q. What do you call 15 blonde's in a circle?
A. A dope ring.
Q. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A1. The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2. None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
Q. If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A. The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q. What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A. Her IQ goes up!
Q. What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A. A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q. What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A. Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
Q. What did the blonde's mom say to her before the more...

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired." He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained." Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily." Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post." Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats. Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?" The old preacher mustere d up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I more...

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
---Dolly Parton---

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
---Erica Jong---

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hrs. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hrs.
---Rita Rudner---

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or our lives.
---Rita Rudner---

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
---Erma Bombeck---

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
---Sue Grafton---

I think----therefore I'm single.
---Lizz Winstead---

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
---Elayne more...

For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug more...

Because I'm a Guy...

. .. I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

. .. when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

. .. when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

. .. I can be relied upon to purchase more...