Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" more...

Once upon a time there was a nice young man called Karim. He used to sell caps for a living, and roamed around several villages. One day he would be in Mughalsarai, the other day people would find him in Faizabad.

It was an afternoon in the summer and he was traversing the vast plains when he felt tired and wanted to have a nap. He found a nice mango tree with lots of branches and cool shade, placed his bag of caps beside him and went to sleep. Tired as he was, he was quickly fast asleep. When he woke up after a refreshing little nap, he found that there weren't any caps in his bag!

"Oh, Allah!", he said to himself, "Did the thieves have to find me of all people?" But then he noticed that the mango tree was full of cute monkeys wearing colorful caps!

He yelled at the monkeys and they screamed back. He made faces at them and found the monkeys to be experts at that. He threw stones at them and they showered him with raw more...

The sixty-year-old patient explained his predicament to the doctor. He had recently married a gorgeous girl in her twenties, but unfortunately, every night at bed time, when he and the lovely bride were ready and willing, he would fall asleep.
The doctor scribbled out a prescription and handed it to the patient. The old man's face lit up as he said, "You mean that now I'll be able to-"
"No," the doctor interrupted, "I'm afraid I can't do anything about that. But now at least she'll fall asleep, too."

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair.
One afternoon they couldn’t contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.
When they were finished they fell asleep and didn’t wake up till 8 o’clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking he’s pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door.
Upset, she asks where he’s been.
The man replies “I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair.
Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep.
That’s why I’m late. ”
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, “I see those grass stains on your shoes. You’ve been playing golf again, haven’t you! ”

Once upon a time, there lived a poor cap seller in a small village (in India): -) He earned his livelihood stiching caps and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the caps missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his caps. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his caps. He lifted the cap on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their apeing habits the monkeys followed suit. The cap seller, then collected all the caps and triumphantly proceeded to the market.
As the years pass by, the cap seller has a grandson who too ends up being a cap seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell caps in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his more...

Son: Dad, I have a special report for school. Can I ask you a question

Dad: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Dad: Well son, let's take are home for an example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me, the management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her, the government. We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you, the people. We'll call the maid, the working class and your baby brother, the future. Understand?

Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it.

That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had a heavily soiled diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother fast asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking was totally unheard. The boy went back to his room and went to more...

There was a girl called mary and she was falling asleep in her R.E lesson, the teacher asked "mary who created the world?" the boy sitting behind her named Paul didn't want the class to get into trouble because mary was asleep and wouldn't answer the question so he jabbed her in the back with a pin and she cried "oh god!" and fell asleep again "very good mary!" the teacher said. Later, the teacher asked Mary "Who was the saviour of the world?" Paul jabbed mary with the pin again and she cried "jesus christ!!" and fell asleep again. Later the teacher wanted to test her knowledge and asked "Mary, what did eve say to adam after she had given birth to her 23rd baby?" Paul jabbed her in the back again and mary cried "if you stick that thing in me one more time i will snap it in half!!