Asleep Jokes / Recent Jokes

TWO GUYS WERE HUNTING AND GOT SEPARATED. JOE DECIDED TO TAKE A DUMP, AND AFTER HANGING HIS ASS OVER A LOG HE SOON FELL ASLEEP MEANWHILE HIS BUDDY SHOT A DEER WHILE DRAGING IT BACK TO HIS RIG HE NOTICED HIS BUDDY ASLEEP ON THE LOG AS A PRANK HE GUTTED THE DEER AND PLACED THE PILE OF GUTS UNDER HIS FRIEND'S ASS AFTER RETURNING TO THE TRUCK HE TOO WAS TIRED AND TOOK A NAP A FEW HOURS LATER HE AWOKE TO SEE JOE TRUNDLING ACROSS THE FEILD "WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU JOE? LOOKS LIKE YOU'VE SEEN A GHOST" WELL I HUNG MY ASS OVER A LOG TO TAKE A DUMP AND WHILE I WAS ASLEEP I MUST HAVE SHIT MY GUTS OUT IF IT WASN'T FOR THE GRACE OF GOD AND A GREASY STICK I WOULD NEVER HAVE GOTTEN THEM BACK IN

A story I'll tell of a burglar boldWho started to rob a house; He opened the window, and then crept inAs quiet as a mouse. He looked around for a place to hide,'Till the folks were all asleep, Then said he, "With their moneyI'll take a quiet sneak." So under the bed the burglar crept; He crept up close to the wall; He didn't know it was an old maid's roomOr he wouldn't have had the gall. He thought of the money that he would steal, As under the bed he lay; But at nine o'clock he saw a sightThat made his hair turn gray. At nine o'clock the old maid came in;"I am so tired," she said; She thought that all was well that nightSo she didn't look under the bed. She took out her teeth and her big glass eye, And the hair from off her head; The burglar, he had forty fitsAs he watched from under the bed. From under the bed the burglar crept, He was a total wreck; The old maid wasn't asleep at allAnd she grabbed him by the neck. She didn't holler, or shout or call, She was as more...

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
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"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
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"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead more...

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G. K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who more...

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished they fell asleep and didn't wake up till 8 o'clock.
They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she does as he asks (thinking him pretty weird).
The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. Upset, she asks where he's been. The man replies "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those are grass stains on your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!?"

one DAY this boy asked his dad " what is politics?" his dad replied "ok ill put it this way: im the president /your mom is the vice president /the maid is the world/ and your the people"....so the boy goes tobed thinking about what his dad had said.. he woke up i the middle of the night and had to go to the batheroom he went into his parents room but his mom is asleep so he walks to the maids room but the door is locked he peeks in the key hole and sees his dad in bed with the maid... SO THE BOY GOES TO BED WITH OUT GOING TO THE BATHEROOM THE NEXT MORNING HIS DAD ASKS" SO DID YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID" THE BOY REPLIES " YEP" DAD SAYS "TELL ME "THE BOY SAYS"WELL I FOUND OUT THAT THE PRESIDENT IS FUCKING THE WORLD WHILE THE VICE PRESIDENT IS ASLEEP, AND THE PEOPLE ARE IN DEEP SHIT.

Son:"Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"
Father: "Sure son. What's the question?"
Son: "What is politics?"
Father: "Well, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "Capitalism". Your mother is the administrator of money, so we'll call her "Government". We take care of your needs, so we'll call you "The People". We'll call the maid "The Working Class", and your baby brothe we can call "The Future".
"Do you understand, Son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it".
That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed more...