Assured Jokes

A tourist goes to Africa and asks his tourist guide while walking in the jungle, "Are we safe here? Aren't there cannibals around here?"
And the tourist guide says, "Yes. You can be sure there are no cannibals in Africa."
And the tourist says, "But there may be still some cannibals."
And the tourist guide says, "No, rest assured. We ate the last one last Monday."

A while back there was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates.

The day came for the final test, which would determine which of equally qualified candidates would get the job. The final candidates consisted of two men and one woman. The men administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, "We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man, looking completely shocked said, "You can't be serious! I more...

1. In kindergarten your idea of a good friend was the person who let you have the red crayon when all that was left was the ugly black one.
2. In first grade your idea of a good friend was the person who went to the bathroom with you and held your hand as you walked through the scary halls.
3. In second grade your idea of a good friend was the person who helped you stand up to the class bully.
4. In third grade your idea of a good friend was the person who shared their lunch with you when you forgot yours on the bus.
5. In fourth grade your idea of a good friend was the person who was willing to switch square dancing partners in gym so you wouldn't have to be stuck do-si-do-ing with Nasty Nicky or Smelly Susan.
6. In fifth grade your idea of a friend was the person who saved a seat on the back of the bus for you.
7. In sixth grade your idea of a friend was the person who went up to Nick or Susan, your new crush, and asked them to dance with you, so that more...

A man went to an astrologer and deposited Rs. 100 as his fees. Then he told the astrologer that his right palm is itching. The astrologer said this is a very good sign and assured him that he will get lots of money.
Then the man said his left palm also itching. The astrologer said that this is very very good sign and assured him that he will get money and property too.
Then he said that his right foot is also since this morning. The astrologer said that this is the sign of travelling to foreign countries.
At last the man said that his left foot has also started itching.
The Astrologer pulled out a 10 rupee note and told him that he had nothing but suffering from acute Eczima.