CIA Jokes

The CIA lost track of it’s operative in Ireland “Murphy. ” The CIA boss says, “All I can tell you is that his name is Murphy and that he’s somewhere in Ireland. If you think you’ve located him, tell him the code words, “The weather forecast calls for mist in the morning. ” If it’s really him, he’ll answer, “Yes, and for mist at noon as well. ” So the spy hunter goes to Ireland and stops in a bar in one of the small towns. He says to the bartender, “Maybe you can help me. I’m looking for a guy named Murphy. ” The bartender replies, “You’re going to have to be more specific because, around here, there are lots of guys named Murphy. There’s Murphy the Baker, who runs the pastry shop on the next block. There’s Murphy the Banker, who’s president of our local savings bank. There’s Murphy the Blacksmith, who works at the stables. And, as a matter of fact, my name is Murphy, too. ” Hearing this, the spy hunter figures he might as well try the code more...

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The CIA is hiring and is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him: "Do you love your wife?" "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" "Yes I do, sir." "What do you love more, your wife or your country?" "My country, sir." "Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her." The man says to the interviewer, "I can't do that. I guess that disqualifies me doesn't it." The interviewer tells him yes but that the gun is filled with blanks. The agency would never ask you to do a thing like that. He is disappointed but hands the gun back, gets up and politely leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him the gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes more...

The heads of the CIA, FBI, and the LAPD were in a conference with the president of the United States. They couldn't accomplish much, however, because of their incessant rivalry with regards to which agency could apprehend suspects the most efficiently and quickly. The president decides to settle it once and for all by releasing a rabbit into the woods and timing the results of the agencies as a test of efficiency. The CIA places several animal informants in the woods and after eighteen weeks of deep cover questioning of all the animal, plant and mineral witnesses, they conclude that the rabbit has fled to a foreign country and that they need arms to trade with Columbia in order to get cooperation with extradition efforts. The FBI surrounds the woods with its own agents and those of the ATF after reports that the rabbit has armed himself and is operating a militia using the woods as a hub of operation. After four weeks of frustation and standoff they rush the woods without warrants and more...

...the CIA, no longer able to waterboard suspects, has announced a new enhanced interrogation technique....after sleep deprivation & loud music have failed, the CIA plans to have Sacha Baron Cohen shove his ass in your face until you talk.