Astonished Jokes / Recent Jokes
An elderly gentlemen had been living with his spinster daughter for some years. One day, upon returning home he heard an unusual whirring noise. Wandering around the first floor, he noticed that the noise seemed to be coming from somewhere upstairs.
He proceeded up the stairs to investigate. Walking around, he realized that the noise increased as he neared his daughters closed bedroom door. Whereupon he quickly open the door to make sure that everything was alright.
He was astonished by the sight of his daughter, stretched out naked on her bed with a vibrator violently shaking in her hand.
"Sylvie! What in tarnation is goin' on?" He shouted!
Sylvie, without hesitation replied: "Daddy, I have needs! Isn't it obvious? I know that I'm not going to find anybody to marry, so please leave me alone, and shut the door on your way out."
Somewhat chagrined, he retreated, and closed the door as he exited.
Not too many days later, his daughter returned more...
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
The early bird may get the worm, more...
A beautiful but obviously overwrought young woman tearfully admitted to her doctor that after almost a year of marriage, her husband had not yet made love to her.
"No wonder you're nervous and upset,". said the astonished physician. "Bring your husband to my office tomorrow afternoon and I'll have a talk with him."
The following day, she returned with her husband.
"I dislike prying into your personal life, my good man," the doctor said, "But you're not fulfilling your marital obligations."
"What do you mean, doctor?" the naive husband replied. "I'm considerate, gentle, devoted and a good provider."
"But what about your sexual obligations?" the doctor demanded.
"I don't understand," the husband replied.
The doctor tried to explain, but the husband was too stupid to comprehend.
"All right," said the doctor at last, in exasperation, "then I'll show more...
Santa took his wife and son into to the big city shopping one saturday. As they approached town, they were astonished by the sky scrapers.
Santa never having been to the big city himself decided to let the wife out at the local mall while he and the son did some sight- seeing.
They entered a large building with an enormous lobby. The son noticed this door on the wall and ask Santa what it was for?
Santa not knowing decided to get closer for better observation. A few minutes later a old lady with a cane comes over and presses a button located near the door, the door opens and the old lady enters a small room. The door proceeds to close and Santa and son stand there amazed as lights blink over the door when all of a sudden the door opens and a very beautiful young lady exits.
Astonished, Santa looks at his son while scratching his head, and say`s, "Son, I don`t know what just happened, but run fast and fetch your mother."
A man is never astonished that he doesn't know what another does, but he is surprised at the gross ignorance of the other in not knowing what he does.