Attack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Friendly fire - isn`t.
Recoilless rifles - aren`t.
Suppressive fires - won`t.
You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.
A sucking chest wound is Nature`s way of telling you to slow down.
If it`s stupid but it works, it isn`t stupid.
Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo and not want to waste a bullet on you.
If at first you don`t succeed, call in an airstrike.
If you are forward of your position, your artillery will fall short.
Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never forget that your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.
If your attack is going really well, it`s an ambush.
The enemy diversion you`re ignoring is their main attack.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: when they`re ready. when you`re not.
No OPLAN ever survives initial contact.
There is no such thing as a perfect more...

Why did the vampire attack the clown? He wanted the circus to be in his blood.

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fangless, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TORNIQUET: Do not apply a more...

One blond says to another, "how did you die"? "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died. The second blonde shakes her head. more...

This is Army policy all begins... Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted. Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. more...

Start With A Cage Containing Five Apes.

In The Cage, Hang A Banana On A String And Put Stairs Under It. Before Long, An Ape Will Go To The Stairs And Start To Climb Towards The Banana. As Soon As He Touches The Stairs, Spray All Of The Apes With Cold Water.

After A While, Another Ape Makes An Attempt With The Same Result - All The Apes Are Sprayed With Cold Water. This Continues Through Several More Attempts. Pretty Soon, When Another Ape Tries To Climb The Stairs, The Other Apes All Try To Prevent It.

Now, Turn Off The Cold Water. Remove One Ape From The Cage And Replace It With A New One. The New Ape Sees The Banana And Wants To Climb The Stairs. To His Horror, All Of The Other Apes Attack Him. After Another Attempt And Attack, He Knows That If He Tries To Climb The Stairs, He Will Be Assaulted.

Next, Remove Another Of The Original Five Apes And Replace It With A New One. The Newcomer Goes To The Stairs And Is Attacked. The Previous more...

There were two vampires in Transylvania talking about how bored they were with the local cuisine. Another vampire told them they should take a trip to Italy. He told them that the food was fabulous and if you catch the people right after they've eaten, you can actually taste the wonderful Italian food in their blood.

The vampires head off to Italy and hide under a bridge, right down the road from an Italian restaurant. Pretty soon they hear a couple walking across the bridge. They swoop up, attack them, drain all their blood and toss the bodies over the bridge into the river. They couldn't believe how wonderful it was... they'd never tasted such delicacy. They decided to hide under the bridge and wait for more.

Soon enough, another couple came out of the restaurant and crossed the bridge. The vampires swooped up, drained all their blood and dumped the bodies into the river below. Not quite sated, they decided to wait for one more couple... dessert you more...