Attractive Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. A penny saved is worthless.
4. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
5. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
6. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
7. There is a very fine line between “hobby” more...

Ways to keep your Testosterone flowing...
1. Don't call, ever.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Lie.
4. lie.
5. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you mailed it to them.
6. Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfriend's pregnant, will you go out with me?"
7. Drink Vernors.
8. Women want to hear all about YOU constantly!
9. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice grunt will do.
10. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it isn't your fault.
11. Lie.
12. Girls find it attractive if a man has friends than baths.
13. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help - don't ask.
14. Women like it when you ignore them.
15. Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever you pass a reflective surface, check your hair, clothing, etc.
16. If you don't like a girl, more...

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.
He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."
His wife replies, "Why thank you, dear!"

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed, " she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an
attorney. It took him a few minutes to more...

A most attractive redhead, window-shopping on Fifth Avenue, became aware of a well-dressed gentleman following her at a short distance. Somewhat flustered, she accidentally dropped her handbag and he immediately retrieved it for her.
"I dropped that bag accidentally," she said. "I want you to understand that I am not the type of girl you can pick up."
The gentleman smiled and said, "Madam, I am most assuredly not picking you up. I am picking you out."

1. No matter what my problem is, it's the fault of someone other than myself, and the appropriate response is to find that person and kill him with my bare hands. 2. To be truly attractive, a woman must wear high heels and an outfit so tight you can tell whether she's cold or not from across the room. 3. There are two kinds of women in the world: The type that want to go to bed with you, and the type want to kill you. Both types are physically attractive and under 25 years old. 4. If I rudely argue with my boss in front of my co-workers, not only won't he fire me, but he will gain a profound respect for me. 5. If I can find an important enough mission, it will supercede my obligations to perform household chores, bathe, and call the next day. 6. If I go without bathing, swear a lot, and treat women badly, they will adore me. 7. If a woman tries to clean a bullet wound and I curse in pain, she will fall in love with me. 8. Anyone who isn't a cop, mercenary soldier, and/or private more...

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: "Make the woman happy."
Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played!
Life is so unfair...
Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out, you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her Spring Fresh Extra Light Panty Liners with Wings (+5)
...you return with beer (-5)
You check out suspicious noise at night (0)
...and it is nothing (0)
....and it is something (+5)
... you hammer more...