Audience Jokes / Recent Jokes
After a long life of unselfish service, Father John O'Malley died and went to heaven. St Peter met him at the gate and said: "John, you did such a wonderful job for us on earth, we'd like to do something special for you. You name it; it's yours." John thought for a moment and said: "I'd like a private audience with the Holy Mother." St Peter told him it would be arranged.On the appointed day, St Peter escorted John to the Holy Mother's sanctuary. John went before Her, knelt, and said: "Holy Mother, I've always looked to You for guidance, and You have granted me peace and serenity through some difficult times. But I have one question that has nagged me during my whole time on earth. In all the paintings that were done of you, and in all the sculptures that were carved of you, you always looked so sad. Why is that?" Mary thought for a moment, pursing her lips. She said: "I always wanted a girl."
In one of Oprah Winfrey's talk shows, a survey was conducted among her audience. Since the subject was about ghosts she started asking her audience these survey questions: Oprah: How many of you have seen a ghost? Please stand up! Amazingly, about 20 people stood up. Oprah: Wow, isn't that really phenomenal? And now for the next question- For you guys standing up - how many of you have actually spoke to a ghost? About five stayed standing up. Oprah: (At this point, really getting tremendously excited!) Wow, imagine that? These people actually spoke to a ghost. And now for the last question, how many of you five guys have actually made love to a ghost? Four guys sat down except one, at the last row of seats. The crowd exploded. Oprah: May we call the gentleman to come to the stage please! At this the cameras focused on an aging old man and guess what, a Filipino guy. Oprah: Wow, that was unbelievable: Sir may we know who you are? Top Gun: My name is Topacio Mamaril - Top Gun for short. more...
There was a math contest and all of the audience were blondes. The contestant was brunette, but she was still stupid. The host say "
OK, its time for our 1st question. What is 5+2? "
Uhhhhhh....9?"
says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!"
"
OK, says the host, What is 3+3? "
Uhhhhhhhhhh...5? says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
"
ok"
, says the host, "
this one is going to be easy. What is 1+1?"
"
Oh, that is easy! 2! says the brunette. Then the audience says, "
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!
A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I am Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly.
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
It was a sunny day in the Big Apple, but a poor black preacher was having enough troubles already. His rent was due, and his little chapel was losing so many of his fellow followers, that he was about to jump out into the street when the pastor who had been "robbing" him just happened to to turn the corner.
"What's the matter with you, my brother?"
"I'm about to lose all my friends to your church and my rent is due."
"Well, not much i can do about the rent, but I can give you a little help with the patrons of yo little chapel."
"shoot fo'."
And the rich preacher pulled out a genuine 1846 gold pocketwatch, and said proudly but softly, "whenever yo audience is about to sleep, just sway this back and forth, and they'll do whatever you want."
"can i borrow dat?"
"fo' sho'."
The next week, the rich pastor checks in with the poor pastor, but he looks even more down in the more...
August, 1998, Montevideo, UruguayPaolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone. Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and, instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket." However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get more...
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Please DO NOT to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,' Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."