Audience Jokes / Recent Jokes

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water."

She continued, "But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else." The dietician peered into the crowd and asked, "Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?"

A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.

"Yes, you, sir, in the first row," said the dietician. "Please give us your idea."

The man grinned and blurted, "Wedding cake!"

REAL LIFE STORY NUMBER 2

On the morning show at WBBM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations and such, called "Mate Match." The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and asked for their significant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners. This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:

DJ: Hey! This is Eddie on WBBM. Do you know "Mate Match"?

Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.

DJ: What's your name? First only please.

Contestant: Brian

DJ: Are you married or what Brian?

Brian: Yes.

DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean you're married or what? Brian?

Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I'm married.

DJ: Thank you Brian. OK, now, what's your more...

At the end of a T.V. show, why do they say "filmed in front of a live audience?"
Well, it wouldn't be a dead audience, would it?

I heard this one today from Steinar Hoistad, Director of European
Operations UNIX International, at the UI Road show.
A colleague was invited to hold a speech in Japan.
Aware of his reputation as a very good speaker, he was surprised that
his audience did not react at all to any of his perfectly timed jokes
and witticisms. In fact, the audience did not react to anything he
said. Somewhat put down, he went back to his seat and a Japanese
gentleman appeared on the stage. This man had a terrific success!
People laughed and applauded, and although the original speaker could not
understand one bit of what was said. Still he started to applaud, as
the man evidently deserved praise for this perfect speech.
However, he was interrupted by the chairman of the conference:
"No no, sir. You must not applaud!"
Dumbfounded he protested:
"But why? This man is obviously a very good speaker."
"No sir, you must not more...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made a lot of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,' Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

(Please don't try this at home)

August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth,' 'I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.''

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics more...

President Ronald Regan told this joke about Fidel Castro: Castro was addressing a large audience in Cuba, and he began, "They accuse me of intervening in Angola..." and a man going through the audience called out, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"Castro went on: "They say I’m intervening in Mozambique..." and the same loud voice shouted, "Peanuts! Popcorn! Castro continued: "They say I’m intervening in Nicaragua..." and the voice yelled again, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"By this time Castro was boiling mad and he sputtered, "Bring that man who is shouting' Peanuts! Popcorn!' to me, and I’ll kick him all the way to Miami." And everybody in the audience started shouting, "Peanuts! Popcorn!"