Audience Jokes / Recent Jokes

The moderator at a ghost buster's convention asked the audience, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"
Almost everyone raises their hand.
"How many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About half the audience raises their hand.
"How many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About a dozen or so raise their hand.
"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One man from India raises his hand.
"You've actually made love to a ghost? Stand up and tell us about it"
The man rises and says, "I'm so vedy soddy. I thought you said goat!"

A Singapore English radio station, was holding a live radio segment at a shopping mall. The DJ was hosting a game show where prizes were given away to kids on stage if they could name the opposite gender of animals. The first kid to come on stage was a girl. "What's your name girl & how old are you?" "My name is Cheryl & I am 8 years old." "OK, tell me Cheryl, what is the opposite of cow?" "Bull." "Very good! That's correct. Now here's a Barbie doll for you. Ladies & gentlemen, please give her a round of applause." The game then continued for the next 15 minutes in a similar fashion with the kids getting all the simple questions correct until it was time for the 10th kid to come on stage. The audience were very impressed with this kid as he was very clever & articulate from the moment he stepped on stage, before being asked, announced, "My name is Johnny. I am 7 years old and I like English, Math & Art. My hobbies are collecting more...

A Shorter, Harsher Titanic

(Scene 1)

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked for. It is by an artist named' Picasso.' I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you. So are you.

LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my' brooding' face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and more...

The moderator at a ghost buster's convention asked the audience, "How many of you believe in ghosts?"
Almost everyone raises their hand.
"How many of you have ever seen a ghost?"
About half the audience raises their hand.
"How many of you have ever touched a ghost?"
About a dozen or so raise their hand.
"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
One man from India raises his hand.
"You've actually made love to a ghost? Stand up and tell us about it"
The man rises and says, "I'm so vedy soddy. I thought you said goat!"

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.' The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But, there is something that is perhaps more dangerous than anything else.' The dietician peered into the crowd and asked,' Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to?' A handful of people in the audience raised their hands with possible answers.' Yes, you, sir, in the first row,' said the dietician.' Please give us your idea.' The man grinned and blurted,' Wedding cake!'

A travelling salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke.
"Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?"
"But I am Polish, my son."
There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly.
"That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her,' Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."