Audience Jokes / Recent Jokes

The Symphony Is Playing Beethoven's Ninth. During A Long Break, The Bass Players Decide To Slip Out To The Local Pub And Have A Few Drinks.

Suddenly One Realizes They Have Been Gone For A While And Says "We've Got To Get Back."

Another Says, "Relax, We've Got Plenty Of Time. I Tied A String Around The Conductor's Score And He'll Have A Time Getting It Squared Away."

As They Come Back Into The Concert Hall, A Patron In The Audience Notices The Confusion By The Conductor And Says, "Something Seems Wrong Up There."

Her Date Says, "What Do You Expect? It's The Bottom Of The Ninth, The Score Is Tied And The Bassists Are Loaded."

What should be the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's New York abode?
There were lots of possibilities, according to the creative audience of The Jayne Carroll Show, a political talk radio program which airs daily in the Portland, Oregon, metropolitan area. Carroll asked her audience to come up with an official name for the Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, NewYork.
Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:
Perjurers' Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill's Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Sin Simeon
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa Liars' Lair
Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
The Hen House
The Out House
The Love Shack
The House of Seven Felonies
But the clear, hands-down winner was...
DISGRACELAND

The distinguished professor and his chauffeur were talking one day on the way to the next speaking engagement, and the driver said, "I've sat in the back and listened to your presentation so many times that I can give it just as well as you can."
The professor said "I'll bet you can't. Just to prove it, we'll trade clothes in the hotel, and I'll sit in the back."
The chauffeur delivered the lecture flawlessly, and the audience applauded him roundly. Then a pompous professor from the local university, wishing to impress his colleagues in the audience, stood and asked a very specific question concerning the driver's presentation.
The driver said, "I am amazed that you would ask such a silly question. The answer is so obvious that I am going to ask my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, to answer your ridiculous question."

Words were the big topic of the million dollar television quiz show where Professor Geewhiz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he couldn't put into a sentence.

"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row.

"Garn?" said the professor, "Garn? It's not a swear word, is it?"

"No," said the punter in the third row, "Garn."

Time elapsed, the buzzer went and the crowd applauded.

"You've stumped him," said the MC, "How do you use the word, sir?"

"Garn get fucked," said the punter who was immediately thrown out and the show closed until further notice.

It took the network twelve months to get over it. Finally they had the gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would have to screen the audience in future.

On the opening night they scrutinized each member of the public as they arrived before asking for more...

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,' Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "Don't try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the fridge, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, "You're wasting too much time. Why don't you try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding anniversary at the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to maintain his marriage with the same woman all these years.
The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions."
The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China."
The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary."
Pete: "I'm going back to go get her."