Audit Jokes

Three partners in an accounting firm go out to lunch. They are the audit partner, the tax partner and the senior partner. One of them sees a brass lamp lying in the gutter. Curious, they pick it up and give it a rub. Instantly, a genie appears."You know the deal," says the genie. "Three wishes. But seeing there are three of you, you can have one wish each.""Great," says the audit partner. "Take me to the Whitsunday Islands, give me a blonde and an endless supply of XXXX and leave me there for ever."Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone."Now me," says the tax partner. "Take me to the Cook Islands, give me two blondes and an endless supply of offshore tax schemes and leave me there for ever."Pouf! There is a flash of light, a puff of smoke and he is gone. The genie turns to the senior partner. "And what do you want?""I want those two ba ck in the office straight after lunch."

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.' Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice.' Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'

Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.' Let me tell you a story,'

Replied the buddy.

'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night.' Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice.' Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'

The man protested:' What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'

The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

I just read in UPI that an audit commission has found that it actually takes six (British) National Health Service employees to change a hospital lightbulb!
It's true! The Daily Mail reported that it's a "sick joke" of a process for each lightbulb requires 17 separate administrative procedures, from ordering bulbs to a worker reporting a burnt-out lamp to the recording of the fact that a new bulb is in place and working.
The audit commission was looking into ways of reducing NHS costs by reducing time wasted by employees on administrative nonsense, so that more of the limited supply of pounds could be used for actual patient care.

Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton? A: Because he filed as head of the household.

A man is on his death bed with his wife by his side. In his faint, dying breath he tells her that there are two times he suspects she cheated on him and he would like to know the truth, the whole truth, before he dies.
Rather hesitantly, she agrees to tell him everything. .. the full truth.
"Well first," she begins, "remember when you lost your job and a week later you got it back with a big raise?"
He slowly nods understandingly.
Then she tells him, "Do you remember when the IRS was going to do the big audit on you and a week later they dropped the audit and gave us a big refund instead?"
He again weakly nods in understanding.
Then he strains to ask, "Were there any more times that you cheated on me."
Even more hesitantly, she says "Yes dear. There was just one more time."
"Ohhhh," he sighs in agony. "You must tell me."
"Ok. .. but only because you insist, more...