Auto Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

Rules for Buying Gifts for MenRule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the wordratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones more...

I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens.
The following is a list of constant problems:
- A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process
- Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance
- When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)
- Software controlling the "computer" is defective..wild random responses to input stimuli (i.e. "Have you checked the oil..?")
- Motor controls are sluggish (i.e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)
- Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off
- Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised
- Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any more...

I was wondering if anyone else is having a problem with the Carbon Based Unit, Model # Homo Sapiens.The following is a list of constant problems:- A constant whining whenever the brain disengages after debating the virtues of the automobile selection process- Overheats when the air/gray matter ratio exceeds rational equilibrium in regard to ones own responsibility to auto maintenance- When mouth is placed in gear, makes loud noise whilst insulting the the auto professional. (see previous item)- Software controlling the "computer" is defective..wild random responses to input stimuli (i.e. "Have you checked the oil..?") - Motor controls are sluggish (i.e. response to traffic light stimuli and expected law abiding response)- Mouth continues to run long after brain has shut off - Touts superior performance, but functions do not perform as advertised- Lifetime warranty is a misnomer. Cannot get problems fixed under any policy- Model not eligible for trade in or more...

Congress just voted on a 14 billion dollar auto industry bailout
I think the auto companies went to the wrong people if they were looking for a bailout.
If they wanted to go to someone who would spend taxpayer money recklessly and bid millions more then they are worth they should have signed with the New York Yankees

Just in case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping yet, here are a few suggestions. With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help!

Rule #1:When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men more...

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had, covertly, funded a project with U. S. auto makers for the past 5 years. The auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUVs in an effort to determine the circumstances of fatal accidents in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61. 2 percent of fatal crashes were,? Oh Shit!?

Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Illinois, Oregon, and Texas were different, where 89. 3 percent of the final words were:? Hold my beer. I? m gonna try somethin.?