Average Jokes / Recent Jokes

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it more...

A man who was unemployed for several months gets a job with Public works. He is to paint lines down
the center of a rural road. The supervisor tells him he is on probation and that he must stay at or
above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain hired. The man agrees to the conditions and starts
the next day.
The supervisor checks and finds the man completed 4 miles. "Great," he thought, "this man will work
out."
The next day he finds the man only did 2 miles but the supervisor thought, "well he is still at the
average and I don't want him to get discouraged."
The third day however the man only did one mile and the Boss thought, "I need to talk to him."
The boss pulls the new employee in and says, "Son, you were doing great, the first day you did 4
miles the second day 2 miles but yesterday you only did one mile, Why? Is there a problem? An injury,
equipment failure, anything more...

Iraqi vs. American Average Iraqi Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors Average American Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme park Average Iraqi Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation Average American Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards Average Iraqi Lines up by the thousands to die for country Average American Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty Average Iraqi Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo by West Average American Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include McCookies Average Iraqi Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise Average American Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the ground, you die Average Iraqi Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest Average American Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip Average Iraqi more...

The average American spends six hours a day watching a TV.
The average Japanese person spends one hour a day making six TVs.

The average person thinks he isn't.

Easy code system to communicate with other cat owners and with the animal clinic.
Sex:
XFemale, spayed, no interest.
X+Female, spayed, but still interested.
X++Female, intact, but not particularly excitable.
X+++I am a kitten factory.
YMale, neutered, no interest.
Y+Male, neutered, but still interested.
Y++Male, intact, but not particularly excitable.
Y+++I would go through a burning building to get at a female in heat.
Size ("largeness"):
L-I fit easily into your shirt pocket.
L-I can curl up in two cupped hands.
L-I'm somewhere between kitten-sized and average.
LI'm average cat size, just right for your lap.
L+I'm starting to slip off the side of your lap.
L++I'm large enough to make a German Shepherd think twice.
L+++People sometimes mistake me for a mountain lion.
Weight:
W-I'm so thin that you can count my bones.
W-I'm slim, but healthy.
WI'm an average cat, not too thin and not too more...

A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Very annoying.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Enjoys job: Needs more...