Awakened Jokes / Recent Jokes

Moody was awakened by the telephone at four A. M. It was his Ku Klux Klan buddy, Crumm, calling long distance from Montgomery. "Whats the matter?" asked Moody. "Are you in trouble?" "No!" said Crumm. "What do you want, then?" "Nothing!" "Then how come you are calling me in the middle of the night?" asked Moody. "Cause!" said the other redneck, "the rates is cheaper!"

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously done. In a little more...

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. "Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

There once was a nice lady and she used to pick up bums off the street and bring them to her house. She let the bums shower and sleep at her house and she would even give them something to eat.
One day she brought a bum home. She let him shower and then told him at night he had to sleep in the closet and if the pants hung in his face not to pull them down.
Later that night, after the bum had fallen asleep he woke up with the pants hanging in his face. Disobeying the nice lady, he pulled them down. The next morning the lady was angry to find her pants were no longer hanging, but she gave the bum a second chance.
The following night, at dinner, the bum was instructed to sleep on the floor. He was warned not to bother the cat because the cat bit. He said, "fine." During the night the man was awakened by the cat attacking him, so he shaved it.
In the morning, the nice lady woke up to find her cat hairless. She was pissed. She told the bum to leave. But, he more...

One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
So they awakened the old man and asked him to tell a story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
"I don't know how long I was asleep when I suddently was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest darned lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this:
"RRROOAARRR!
"I tell you, I just soiled myself!"
The young men looked astonished and one of more...