Backwards Jokes / Recent Jokes

My mate's a maniakleptic – he walks into shops backwards and leaves things.
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?
"It is better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall."
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
We painted our floor with luminous paint. So now the florescent what it used to be.

An old man from a far off land was once on the subway in New York and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man,
"Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered "I wear this collar because I am a Father". The old man thought a second and responded "Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute and said "Sir, I am the father for many". The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?"
The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out "Sir, I am the father for more...

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough.
It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death.
What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school.
You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...
you finish off as an orgasm.

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? A: A new age song.Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards? A: You get your job and your wife back.Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

Stressed out... try some of these relaxing tidbits: )

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to more...

Mrs. Goldberg went to the doctor because she hadn't been "regular" in quite some time. The doctor examined her, found nothing unusual and attributed her problem to her diet and her age. He recommended that she take a laxative.
"Doctor," Mrs. Goldberg admonished him, "remember - I'm kosher. Whatever you prescribe for me MUST be kosher!"
"Mrs. Goldberg," he replied, "I want you to take Serutan and don't worry, it's kosher."
"You're sure, doctor? You're absolutely positive it's kosher? Because if it's not kosher, I can't take it and I'd be very upset to find out it wasn't kosher!"
"Mrs. Goldberg," the doctor assured her, "of course it's kosher. Serutan spelled backwards is NATURES and what could be more kosher than nature?"
Reassured, Mrs. Goldberg left the office. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldberg came storming into the doctor's office. "Doctor!" she screamed, "I'm so more...