Bad Jokes / Recent Jokes
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy. In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend's car. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics". The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?" The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!" The only chip inside is a Dorito. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor? ”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage! ”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo! ”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you? ”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder! ”
1. Three words: eat the check.
A local florist just went out of business, but it was his own
fault. He kept getting his orders mixed up.
One woman received flowers sent by her husband, who was at a
business meeting in Florida. She was perplexed by the message on
her card: "Our deepest sympathy."
But she was not nearly as surprised as the woman whose husband
had just passed away. Her card read, "Hotter here than I
expected. Too bad you didn't come too."
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
A woman was walking down the street past a pet shop, and when she looked in the window there was a gorgeous parrot for sale with a sign that said "$50.00". She had always wanted a parrot, but had found them to be too expensive, so she rushed in and asked the proprietor, "Why is this parrot so cheap?" "Well," he replied, "You see, that parrot was in a brothel for awhile, and learned some bad language, so nobody seems to want it." How bad could it be?, the woman thought. Finally, she decided to buy it anyway, as it was such a beautiful bird. She took it home in a cage and put it on the table. The parrot looked around and said "Awk! New House, New Madam!" "Well," the woman thought, "That's not so bad." Then the woman's two daughters came home from school. "Awk!", the parrot said, "New Madam, New Whores!" Well, that upset them a bit, but they tried to laugh it off, and decided that wasn't so bad more...
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job - it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat more compactly more...
A man walks into a doctor's office and the doctor says to him, " I've got some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," the patient says.
"The good news is that your penis is going to be two inches longer and an inch wider,"the doctor replies.
"That's great!" says the patient." What's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "It's malignant."