Balance Jokes / Recent Jokes

Men: know what they want to be doing five years down the road.
Guys: are not sure what they want to be doing later tonight.
Men: read Crichton, watch Rather, play golf.
Guys: read King, watch Seinfeld, play poker.
Men: wear ties with stripes, shirts with buttons, and shoes with laces.
Guys: wear high school T-shirts they've actually owned since high school.
Men: think perfume (yours) is a turn-on.
Guys: think sweat (theirs) is a turn-on.
Men: balance their checkbooks.
Guys: balance their loans so that they never hit up the same buddy twice in a row.
Men: claim to be feminist but still insist on opening doors, driving, and paying for dinner.
Guys: claim to be feminists so they can let YOU open doors, drive, and pay for dinner.
Men: are afraid of becoming their fathers.
Guys: are afraid of becoming men.
Men: put you on the phone when their mothers call.
Guys: pretend you're not there when their moms call.
Men: start their more...

You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the screen says: "Not worth wasting paper", and ejects your card. You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." and keeps your card.
You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits out your shredded card.
You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says: "What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear across the room.
You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the screen says: "Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine, trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted" staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads: "Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well."

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great
place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be more...

God was in the process of creating the universe.

And he was explaining to his subordinates "Look everything should be in balance.

For every 10 deer there should be a lion.

Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States.
I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension....

And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes....

And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests.

But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance."

One of the angels asked... "God, what is this beautiful country here?"

God said "Aha... that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation.

It has understanding and more...

God was in the process of creating the universe. And he was explaining to his subordinates...
'Everything should be in balance. For every 10 deer there should be a lion. Look here my fellow angels, here is the country of the United States. I have blessed them with prosperity and money. But at the same time I have given them insecurity and tension... And here is Africa. I have given them beautiful nature. But at the same time, I have given them climatic extremes... And here is south America. I have given them lots of forests. But at the same time, I have given them lesser land so that they would have to cut off the forests... So you see fellows, everything should be in balance.'
One of the angels asked... 'God, what is this beautiful country here?'
God said 'Aha...that is the crown piece of all. INDIA. My most precious creation. It has understanding and friendly people. Sparkling streams, serene mountains. A culture which speaks of the great tradition that they live. more...