Bar Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender "give us two beers over here!"
The bartender walks over and see's the octopus and he says, "Didn't you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!"
The man say's to the bartender, "oh but you don't understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have."
The bartender replied back, "well I'll tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!"
The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.
The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. He's so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!
The bartender was amazed and says, "alright lets try one more".
This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of more...

On his first date with a beautiful woman, Joe decided to impress her with his knowledge of wine. He told the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Chabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros District.
Upon tasting the wine, Joe berated the steward, "No, no, this is a 1987 Vintage from the North Coast Vineyards near Calistoga. Please bring me what I ordered."
The second bottle of wine was poured, and once again Joe was annoyed, "No, no, this is 1985 all right, but it's from the Mount Helena vineyards!"
Watching the drama from the bar, an old drunk came up to the table and said, "Wow, that's an impressive ability. Can you tell me what's in my glass?"
Not wanting to pass up an opportunity to impress his date, Joe sipped at the drunk's glass.
"Christ, this tastes like piss!" he exclaimed and spat the mouthful out.
"That's exactly right," said the drunk. "Now tell me when and where I was born."

egg and bacon walk into a bar. bartender says "we dont serve breakfast here!"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks more...

A guy walks into a bar, and sees his best friend sitting there, getting drunk.
When he asks what the problem is, the friend says "When I make love to my wife, she just lays there. I've tried everything, but she doesn't moan, doesn't scream, doesn't even move"
The guy pats his friend on the back and says "Yeah, she does that with me, too."

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves.
On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"
The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."
The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders more...

There were these 2 VERY old people celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. A friend of theirs recommended they use his cabin for the weekend and they agreed. The first morning they are there, the husband notices a canoe tied up at the shore and he asks his wife, "Do you want to go for a canoe ride?". She agrees. They get into the canoe and paddle for a while until they find a river. They go down the river until they get to a fork. The husband looks at his wife and says "up or down?". Her answer is to throw him on the bottom of the boat and make mad passionate love to him. They get done and head back to the house. The next morning, the husband looks at his wife and says, "So...wanna go for a canoe ride?". She agrees. The husband, of course, finds the river again and when they get to the fork, he looks at his wife and says "Up or down??". She says "Up." He says "WHAT? I asked you that yesterday and...YOU know." Her eyes more...