Barkeep Jokes

The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, Is that Jesus down there? The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also. The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti also. The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the floor and hollered. Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God’s Boy down there? The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one too. As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, For your kindness, you more...

A drunk lay slumped outside a bar, in serious need of a drink.
A passing priest and bishop started to lecture him on the evils of alcohol.
"You should be more like God, like me," said one.
The other argued, "No, my son, more like me. I am more like God."
The two holy men then argued over which was more like God.
Finally, the drunk interrupted. "I'm more like God than either of you arguing hypocrites, and if you give me ten bucks, I'll prove it!"
They accepted his challenge and each handed him five dollars. As the drunk stood, he said, "You two go sit in the bar and when I enter you'll have your proof." The bishop entered first and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Bishop, what'll you have?" Then the priest entered and the barkeep said, "Good afternoon, Father, what'll you have?"
Finally, the drunk came in waving his ten dollars.
The bartender shrugged, "Oh, God, not you again!"

One night a man decides to visit his local bar. He takes a seat and orders a beer. After polishing off his beer, he beckons the bartender over and says, "Betcha $20 I can bite my eye." The bartender scoffs and accepts. The man then calmly removes his false eye and bites it. The bartender grudgingly forks over a twenty.
Later that night, after a few more beers, the man wanders back to the bar and says rather drunkenly, "Hey barkeep, betcha another $20 I can bite my other eye." Wanting to win back his money and seriously doubtful that the man has two false eyes, the bartender accepts. The man calmly removes his false teeth and bites his other eye. Scowling, the bartender hands over another twenty. The man leaves and wanders around the bar as he drinks a few more beers.
He strolls back over to the bar, leaning on it, again and calls the bartender, "Hey, barkeep," he burbles, "I'll give you a chance to win yer money back plus. Betcha $100 if you more...

A lady walks into a bar and says," Barkeep, gimme a martooni." The bartender goes back and fixes her a martini. She downs it and says, "Barkeep, gimme another martooni." So he goes back and fixes her another martini. She downs that, and just sits there and doesn't say anything. Finally after about 10 minutes bartender says," Would you like another?" She says," Oh, no, I got this terrible heartburn."
The bartender says, "Okay, there are three things wrong here:
Number 1: It's martini, not martooni.
Number 2: It's bartender, not barkeep, and
Number 3: You're not having heartburn, your boob's in the ash tray."

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's the problem?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."
' Wow," says the barkeep. "What did you do about it?" "I walked over to my wife, looked her in the eye, told her to pack her stuff, and get the hell out."
"That makes sense," remarks the barkeep... "And, what about your best friend?"
"I looked him right in the eye and yelled, **Bad Dog** "