Bat Jokes / Recent Jokes
After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.
"Cash or charge?" the clerk asked.
"Cash," I snapped.
Then, apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau."
"Shall I giftwrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?"
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let`s fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We`re new here," says the second one. "It`s dark out, and we don`t know where to look. We`d better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere."
He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his friend to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks "See that black building over there?
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn`t."
CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...
Q: What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
A: Count Duckula
Q: Where did the vampire open his savings account?
A: At a blood bank
Q: What does a baby bat say before going to bed?
A: Turn on the dark. I'm afraid of the light!
Q: What is Transylvania?
A: Dracula's terror-tory
Q: How do vampires get around on Halloween night?
A: By blood vessels.
Q: What's the part of a restaurant where vampires don't suck blood?
A: The non-Suckers section.
Q: Why doesn't anyone like Count Dracula?
A: He's a pain in the neck.
Q: What does Dracula say when introduced to someone?
A: "Hello, pleased to eat you!"
Q: What is Dracula's position in baseball?
A: Batboy
Q: What is the largest building in Transylvania?
A: The Vampire State Building.
Q: Why did Dracula go to jail?
A: Because he robbed the blood bank.
Q: What's a vampire's favorite feast?
A: Fangsgiving Day more...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!" said the first bat, "Because I fucking didn't!"
For my Beloved Graduate Advisor (who just wont let me graduate): -)
Cheers!!
Dracula was killed one day & up he went to the Pearly Gates to meet God.
God refused to let Dracula in because of all the sins that he had done
going around sucking blood & killing.
"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins", said God "I'll send
you back to earth, BUT not in a human form. You can only be re incarnated
into any other living things of your choice. So, what would you like
to be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to become a
LIVING THING WITH WINGS & SUCKS BLOOD, heh.. heh.. heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a VAMPIRE BAT.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking the blood of animals
until one day when he got killed by a farmer. So up he went again to
meet God, feeling a little bit sheepish.
"I'll more...