Vampire Jokes

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A. So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
A. Sandy Claws.
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A. Because he had low elf esteem.
Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
A. Ribbon hood.
Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A. Claustrophobic.
Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Snowflakes.
Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll more...

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.
Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
A: He was disbarred.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannibalism?
Q: What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman.
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q: What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Heck, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

You insist that your boss call you "Rowan Starchild" because
otherwise you'd sue for religious harrassment. (Score double for this
if you don't let that patronizing bastard call you "Mr. or
Ms. Starchild.")
You've ever confused the Prime Directive with the Wiccan Rede.
You've ever cast a spell with twenty-sided dice.
You said it was bigotry when they didn't let you do that
ritual in front of city hall. It had nothing to do with the skyclad
bit.
You picketed The Craft and Hocus Pocus, but thought that the
losers who picketed The Last Temptation of Christ needed to get lives.
You've ever publicly claimed to be an elf, alien, vampire,
faerie, or demigod, and been genuinely surprised when not everyone
took you seriously.
You've ever publically claimed to be the reincarnation of
Gardner, Merlin, Aleister Crowley, King Arthur, Cleopatra, Morgana Le
Fay, or Jim Henson, and been genuinely surprised when not more...

One evening two vampire bats were hanging out in their cave. One said, "Man, I'm starving! I need to get some blood!" And he flew out of the cave.He returned about three hours later with blood dripping from his mouth. "Where'd you get the blood?" the other bat
asked."Well, you fly out of the cave, and you see the first tree on the left?""Yes," the other bat replied."Well, I didn't."