Beach Jokes / Recent Jokes

* The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.* You were born somewhere else.* You know how to eat an artichoke.* The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.* Your car has bullet-proof windows.* Left is right and right is wrong.* Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.* Your mouse has only one ball.* You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.* You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.* You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it.* You drive to your neighborhood block party.* Your family tree contains "significant others."* Your cat has its own psychiatrist.* You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.* You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.* More than clothes come out of the closets.* When "the Dead" are best live.* You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.* More money is spent on facelifts than on more...

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii. As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said,"Look at the legs among that group." "Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. "But I'm achest man myself."

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says..."Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!" The mom says..."the bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says..."Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got! "

Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" "Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked, "What do you have under the newspaper?"
Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird."
The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her, "What did you do to that naked fellow?" After a pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, busted its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"
Moral of the story
Never lie to a female............ OF ANY AGE!!!

Two parents take their son on a vacation to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach, and the son goes and plays in the water.
The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with breasts a lot bigger than yours!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Minutes later, he runs back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with penises a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So he goes back to play.
Several minutes later, he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more they talked, the dumber he got!"

Q. What did the lady at the beach tell Micheal Jackson?
A. Get out of my sun.