Beak Jokes

There's a guy who owns a parrot which never talks. So he goes to the pet shop to get some advice. The pet shop owner says he knows exactly what the problem is. "Your parrot has too much hook in it's beak, what you have to do is file its beak back and it will be able to talk just fine. You've got to be careful not to file it too far though, because if you take too much off the bird will drown the first time it has a drink." The parrot owner asks how much the pet shop guy charges to do this beak modification and he says $100. So the parrot fancier decides he'll do it himself. A week or so later they bump into one another in the street. The pet shop guy enquires how the parrot is and whether it is talking yet? The parrot owner says, "The parrot is dead." Pet shop guy says, "I told you not to file the beak back too far, did he drown when he had a drink?" Ex-parrot owner says, "Heck no, he was dead before I got him out of the vice."

Calvin went to Pearson's Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldn't sing. "File the beak just a little," said the owner, "and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die." Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died," said Calvin. "But I told you not to file the beak too much." "I didn't," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead."

Calvin went to Pearsons Pet Shop to complain that his canary wouldnt sing. "File the beak just a little," said the owner, "and the bird will sing. But if you file it too much, the canary will die." Two weeks later Pearson ran into Calvin on the street and asked about his canary. "He died," said Calvin. "But I told you not to file the beak too much." "I didnt," explained Calvin, "but by the time I got him out of the vise, he was already dead."

Upon retirement, Dave had realized that he had poured himself into his work his entire life and never married. After spending a few weeks at home alone he decided that he needed some companionship and headed for the pet store. After looking around the store he thought that he would like to purchase a bird. He began looking at the selection available and noticed that one bird sold for $100 and the bird in the next cage was priced at $10,000. He looked and looked and studied the two birds, but he could not tell the difference, so he called over the store owner and asked him to explain.
The owner said, "The $10,000 bird is a perfect bird and the $100 bird is just the average everyday bird.".
"But I still don't see the difference," said the old man.
The owner explained, "The $100 bird has a small hump on his beak and that made him just average."
"You're telling me that if that $100 dollar bird didn't have that tiny little hump in his beak more...

A man buys a parrot, but after several weeks of trying is unable to get it to speak a single word. In desperation he takes the bird to the vet. The vet tells him that the parrot has too long a beak and that is stopping him from talking.

"I just need to file it down a bit and he should be alright," he says. The man says that is okay and the vet replies, "It will cost a hundred dollars."

"A hundred bucks!" says the owner. The vet tells him that it is a very delicate procedure. If he does not file it enough, the bird still will not be able to talk but if he files too much, the bird will drown while drinking his water. The man decides to think it over and leaves with his parrot.

The next day he comes back into the vet's shop, looking both sad and puzzled.

"What happened?" said the vet.

"Well, I just couldn't afford the hundred dollars, so I took him into my toolshed and did the filing more...