Bean Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jelly Bean walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.
After a few beers the Smartie says "Ere, do you fancy going to that new club in town?" and the Jelly Bean says "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."
So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you." So Jelly Bean says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me." and off they went.
After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under a table, the Lockets take one look at Jelly Bean and start kicking him, punching him and generally having a laugh.
After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Bean pulls his battered Jelly Bean body over to the table and wipes his Jelly Bean blood up and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"
"I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are menthol!"

Albert Garcia Jr. sued the state in 1992 because the Ely State Prison began delivering his legal mail from 9 p.m. to 10 p.m. He claimed the delivery time interfered with his sleeping pattern.
Kenneth Parker sued the state because he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter from the prison canteen at Nevada State Prison in 1989 but received one jar of chunky and one jar of creamy peanut butter. While Parker was later given the peanut butter he requested, he still pursued the case, and it was later dismissed.
Randall Wildeman sued the state in 1991 because a Nevada State Prison officer destroyed the bras and bikini panties he had in his cell. Wildeman claimed he was making women's clothing to be sent as gifts.
Michael Sims sued the state in 1994 on the grounds that a prison guard at the Ely State Prison was calling him names. Sims said the guard called him a "faggot" and a "snitch" and put him in a life-threatening situation.
Donald Ferris sued Nevada more...

THESE ARE REAL NOTES FROM A REAL CHILLI COOK OFF
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the east coast:
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2: more...