Beat Jokes / Recent Jokes
A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair."Can I help you?" she says."I'm here about your ad in the paper.""Which ad is that?""The one looking for a husband."She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...""Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.""Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.""And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.""Well, yes, that's true... but there more...
Three drunks were sitting at a bar. The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes." He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak.." I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"He paused..."I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS: 1. WON`T BEAT ME UP
2. WON`T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail... all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?" "Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I`ve got no arms, so I can`t beat you up and I`ve got no legs, so I can`t run away." The old woman asked, "What makes you think you`re so great in bed?" To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn`t I?"
Here are a few things that could happen: Mohini Devi, a housewife from Bihar sues PM for 1 Crore Rupees for sexually molesting her. She alleges that during his election campaign in Punjab he made overtures and advances of indecent nature - he kept saying "Hame karna hai!" Reports say she is open to an out of the court settlement. J H Patel says India should reduce the number of visas issued to' aliens'. Demands cut in the number of American engineers being admitted into the country says the whites ('Caucasian-Indians') are' stealing' away the local jobs. Sports: Bombay' Bombers' beat Madras' Sambars' 3 - 0 in a 5 game cricket tournament. Sachin Tendulkar says he wont be playing for Bombers from next season, as the Bihar' Lalloos' have offered him 50 lakh more to play for them. Tonight on Zee TV: Kabaddi world series live! over 4 countries from around the world participating in his fast-becoming popular sport. Last time - runner ups Germany looking to beat current champions more...
Here's my favourite recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or more...