Beat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.
vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.
chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.
ad libitum: a premiere.
beat: what music students do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.
cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.
lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.
virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

Bhola as you know, is a not too smart kind of guy. Everyday when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Bhola decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route and then take up some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well to defend himself. So, one day, on the way home from work Bhola took his old route home and sure enough there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon Bhola went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip. His instructor, shocked, asked him what happened.
"Well," explained Bhola, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat these guys up who were stealing my money, but they beat me up before I could get my shoes and socks off!"

/* OK, we won't have a Punny week again in a long time... :-) */
It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK."
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?
"That it is," more...

A guy walked into a bar and said
"Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender."
But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.
The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.
Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!"
The bartender said "Why?"
The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

A guy walked into a bar and said "Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender." But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up. The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay. Then the next day, the guy said "Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!" The bartender said "Why?" The guy replyed "You're violent when you're drunk!"

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"
"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."