Beat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Other Things Mama Told Me
Not to cuss.
Not to cohabitate.
Not to use that language.
Not to go in the first place.
Not to invest in Telecom stocks.
Not to date sluts.
Not to eat with my hands.
Not to drink from the filthy bucket.
Not to train octopi.
Not to beat myself with slotted spoons.
Not to mix plaids and stripes.
Not to wiggle.
Not to beat eggs for an omelet during Uncle Freddie's funeral.
Not to save and collect my empty enemas.
Not to smell my feet.

The new name of my Fantasy Football team is going to be "Off Constantly".That way, all of my opponents will say, "this week my team is going to beat Off Constantly."Or, after a victory against me, my opponents will have to say, "Hooray, I beat Off Constantly!"

A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and Fortune with the Following Qualifications:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"
"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't more...

Stolen Car A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him, and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?" "Yesssh! Sssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replies. The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?" "It wasssh at the end of thisssh key!" the man replies, logically, if a bit too literally. About this time the cop looks down to see that the man's member is being exhibited for all the world to see. He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?" The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat, moans "OHHH GOD... they got my girlfriend too!!!"

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two... The red head said, "I am going to be the first woman to land on mars." The brunette said, "I can beat that, I'll be the first woman to land on saturn." The blonde said, "I'll beat both of you, I'll be the first woman to land on the sun." "How are you going to do that", the other two asked. "Simple", said the blonde. "I'll go at night!"

There was a blonde, a red head, and a brunette and they were all up in space. Each girl tried thinking up ways to be better then the other two...
The red head said, " I am going to be the first woman to land on mars."
The brunette said, " I can beat that, i'll be the first woman to land on saturn."
The blonde said," I 'll beat both of you, i'll be the first woman to land on the sun."
"How are you going to do that", asked the other two.
"Simple", said the blonde.
"I'll go at night!"

I Didn't Even Know
Three drunks were sitting at a bar.

The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."
He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"
He paused... "I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"