Beat Jokes / Recent Jokes

Newly acquired Francisco Rodriguez told the rest of the NL East that the Mets are the team to beat. That sound you hear is the rest of New York not holding their breath. The Mets are actually the team to beat, as proven by the Phillies the last two years.

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the more...

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob? A: You know she'll swallow. Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A: They don't want to wear out the camel. Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry. Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness? A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to fuck off! Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm? A: Because men fake foreplay. Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised? A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick! Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? A: Dating children. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball? A: A guy will actually search for a golfball. Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle? A: She knows she's given her last blow job. Q: Who is the more...

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.
Well the first guy says, “I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound. ”
Well the second guy says, “Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound. ”
Well the third guy says, “Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you. ”
Well the fourth guys clearly states, “Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world. ”
The other three guys say really? Why’s that?
And the fourth guys says, “Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didn’t know what to do … so I more...

Q. What do they call a boxer who gets beat up in a fight?
A. A sore loser.

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.

Brits: Can`t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.


Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.

Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.

Americans: Believe that people should look out for take care of themselves.


Canadians: Believe that that`s the government`s job.

Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.

Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.


Canadians: Can`t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.

Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the more...

Recently a family court judge was interviewing a 15 yr. old boy, asking him which parent he wanted to live with, his mother or father? The kid said he didn't want to live with either one - that both of them beat him all the time. The kid said he wanted to live with the Dallas Cowboys - they never beat anybody!