Bed Jokes / Recent Jokes

The wedding date was set and the grooms three pals- a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist- were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter decided that he would saw the slats off their bed.

The electrician figured that wiring the bed with alternating current would give them a few chuckles.

The dentist would not tell what he had done, but wore a sly grin and swore that it would be memorable.

The wedding and reception went as planned.

A few days later, each of the groom's three friends received a letter saying the following: "Dear friends, we did not mind the bed slats being sawed. The electric shock was only a minor setback but I swear to God Almighty, I am going to kill the mother fucker that put Novocain in the K-Y Jelly."

Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in.

She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

He sits up, folds his hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?"

She says, "Much better."

He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the pussy."

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of denture-burn."

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.

4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of
the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style".

This is another story about little Siripala.
One day, after school, at home, Siripala started crying without any reason. His mother, trying to console him, asked why he is crying. He said that he wants to go to his teacher's (She was a pretty female teacher) house and stay overnight there to get extra tuition. The poor mother, who was overjoyed with her son's studiousness, took him to the teacher's house and
let the teacher know his desires. The young teacher was also happy and straight away agrees with them and asked Siripala to stay with her.
In the night, after a very brief study session, Siripala wanted to go to bed. Then the teacher arranged a room for him and asked him to sleep. Siripala started crying. Teacher asked why and Siripala said that at home he sleeps with his mother and he can't sleep along. Teacher was sympathetic and asked him to sleep in her room, on the floor.
After a while, he again started crying. Teacher asked why and he said he is scared to more...

At night someone knocks on the door. Jeeto wakes up and asks:
"Santa, is that you?"
Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.
"Santa, don`t make me nervous, is that you?"
Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the door to find her drunken husband, Santa, standing there.
"You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren`t you answering???"
"I was nodding you!!!"

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed. ...................+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
* You leave the toilet seat up.............-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
* in the snow...............+8
* but return with beer..........-5
* and no more...

A synagogue honors its Rabbi for a quarter-century of service by sending him to Hawaii on a well-deserved vacation, all expenses paid.

The President of the synagogue decides that in addition to the trip, the Rabbi should have fun and he makes arrangements to have a call-girl available for the Rabbi at all times.

When the Rabbi walks into his hotel room, there is this nude young girl lying on the bed and she informs the Rabbi that she is his at any time during his vacation.

The Rabbi, stunned and extremely embarrassed, demands to know who arranged this little situation, and of course, the girl is compelled to tell him.

The Rabbi immediately picks up the phone, calls the synagogue, and gets through to the President of the congregation.

' Where is your respect'? he growls.' How could you do something like this?'

' I must be held in high esteem by each and every member of this congregation. As your Rabbi, I am very, very more...