Bedroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat`s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
5. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat`s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden more...

Los Angeles police are investigating a burglary at Paris Hilton's home they say left her bedroom ransacked and about $2 million in jewelry missing. The burglar is the first man to leave Paris Hilton's bedroom with valuable jewelry and no STD.

For anyone that has spent just a few too many hours in #hotsex on IRC...
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner... it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: more...

Recipe for Banana Cake

Ingredients:
1 bedroom
2 smiling eyes
2 well shaped legs
2 firm milk containers
1 fur trimmed mixing bowl
1 large banana and essence
2 anxious nuts

Method:

Go into bedroom, look into smiling eyes
Separate well shaped legs, squeeze milk containers until
fur trimmed bowl is well greased
Add banana and essence
Gently work in and out until well greased
Cover with nuts

Notes:
Cake is done when banana is soft
Wash utensils. DO NOT lick bowl.

If cake starts to rise....... leave town.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was
said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the' statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the Smiths' for three days and nobody more...

An old man and his wife, both in their eighties, were sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel.
Suddenly, he turned to her and asked, "What do you think, dear? Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, let's give it a try!" she replied.
So, they both shuffled their way to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he found her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"Sweetheart, what are you doing?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I figured it you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"

Golf in the Bedroom Rules of Play Each player shall provide his own equipment - normally one club and two balls. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole. For the most effective play, the club owner should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in denied permission to play the course again. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers. Players are encouraged not to mention other courses they have played, or are more...