Bedroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

A small balding man stormed into a local bar one evening and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed off I can't even see straight!" The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.

The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!" The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighbourhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"Well, the woman says,' Oh my god, more...

there was a bruntette, redhead, blonde and there are all moms.the bruntette said "
guess what i found in my daughter's bedroom, i found a beer bottle in there. i didn't know she drank."
the redhead said "
no, in my daughter's room i found a pack of cigarettes.i didn't she smoked"
the blonde said "
ya so i found a box of condoms .i didn't ahe had a penis."

Rules of Bedroom Football
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, although they all conform within basic requirements.
2. Premiership grounds are all of high quality with well developed East and West stands.
3. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
4. Remember it is always possible to score at both ends, but one end may always be preferable.
5. Bizarrely enough, shooting over the bar is sometimes preferred.
6. Take care not to be red carded in the tackle.
7. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
8. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible for the Sidcup Social league.
9. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
10. Handling balls is allowed.
11. Some protection should be worn.
12. Singing songs about other players is banned.
13. Extra time may occur even if more...

As the woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within.
Opening the door, she observed her daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked, "What in the world are you doing?" The daughter replied, "Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone."
A couple days later, the wife came home from shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing more...

As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cybersex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet.
Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cybersex session.
Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: more...

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's the matter?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten scum," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids."

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rearpaws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.7. more...