"Rules of Bedroom Football" joke

Rules of Bedroom Football
1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, although they all conform within basic requirements.
2. Premiership grounds are all of high quality with well developed East and West stands.
3. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
4. Remember it is always possible to score at both ends, but one end may always be preferable.
5. Bizarrely enough, shooting over the bar is sometimes preferred.
6. Take care not to be red carded in the tackle.
7. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
8. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible for the Sidcup Social league.
9. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
10. Handling balls is allowed.
11. Some protection should be worn.
12. Singing songs about other players is banned.
13. Extra time may occur even if the scores are not drawn
14. Do not mention other grounds you have played on, or are currently playing on.
15. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating that is because it is dead - you sick man!
16. Scoring in dirty boxes is not always an option.
17. The taller your main striker the more chance of you scoring week-in, week-out.
18. You may have trouble developing a youth-team without Seaman.
19. Scoring with your head is only recommended if the ground has a large goal.
20. Pitches with snow on them should be avoided.
21. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
22. Visiting a ground too often may result in the purchase of a season ticket.
23. Photos of favourite grounds are useful for shooting and dribbling practice.
24. Players always try to get on top of their game but at times the game gets the better of them.
25. Local derbies are frowned upon in society.
26. Spectators are not usually present.
27. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
28. You may find that the goal mouth is protected by a couple of wingers and a highly absorbent goalie.
29. English grounds often have more grass with a greater distribution.
30. Sand in the box damages the goal and the striker.
31. Plastic strikers aren't exclusive to subbuteo.
32. Only the best players can knock it round the back with ease.
33. Cantona style Kung-fu attacks on unwanted spectators are allowed.
1. In the company of feminists, sex should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss Match of the Day
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetiser is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."