Bedroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

Arriving at their honeymoon suite the newlyweds realize that since they were both brought up the old traditional way, both were still virgins and neither knew how to have sex. After half an hour of trying to figure out how to go about things, the husband comes up with an idea.
"Ok, honey," he says, "here's what we'll do. You go into the bathroom and I'll go into the closet. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. On the count of three, we'll rush out at each other and it will happen right in the middle of the bedroom."
Not having any better ideas, the wife agrees. She goes into the bathroom and he goes into the closet. The anticipation is driving him crazy and as he starts to remove his clothes he begins to get an erection.
The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush out into the bedroom towards each other. Since the room is so dark, the husband becomes disoriented and rushes right past his wife... more...

One day a woman was sat in her house and the dorbell rang, she answerd it and it was jesus, he walked straight to the bedroom and had sex with the woman and once again the boorbell rang the woman thought it might have been her husband so she told jesus to get in the wardrobe and she want downstairs and opened the door and god was stood there, he walked to the bedroom and had sex with the woman and once again the doorbell rang so she told god to get on top of the wardrobe and she want downstairs and opend the door and this time it was her husband they went upstairs and had sex and after that her husband went to put some clothes on and saw jesus and he grabbed jesus by the shirt and threatened to kill im and jesus said " oh, God above " and God shouted " you GRASS!!!"

10. Get up early on Christmas morning, dress up as Father Christmas, and lie on the middle of their bedroom floor in a pool of fake blood.

9. Get the plastic thing from the middle of a Kinder Egg, and put it in your mouth and spit it out at them really hard.

8. Tell them that Hitler lives in their bedroom light, and that if they turn the light on, he'll come out and get them.

7. And then turn the light on.

6. Show them a home video of their parents screaming, and tell the child that "Mummy and Daddy are trapped in the television forever".

5. Give them a pomegranate to eat, and halfway through the eating, explain that it's really a dog's heart.

4. Stuff a sleeping bag with loads of pillows and sheets so that it looks as if a person is in there. Say, "Sssh! Mummy is sleeping". And then start jumping up and down on the sleeping bag, making evil grunting sounds.

3. While eating roast chicken, more...

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK.
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are more...

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,"What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!"

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with. Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy." Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play.

What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He took his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up more...

A little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching the Playboy Channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?" "Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom.

He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"