Below Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a man at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 35 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The man took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for more...

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"

The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."

The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"

The first says, "Thats easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold more...

A man flying in a hot air balloon realizes he's lost. He spots a man down below, lowers the balloon and shouts "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do"replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well, everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."The man below replies, "You must work in management." "I do, how'd you know?" "Well" says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

Dear Contributor:
The "NBA Player Adoption Program" desperately needs your charitable assistance. With an NBA player's strike against the team owners, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we really care. What those men are forced to endure -- it's just not right!
Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the NBA seven-figure salary poverty line. And as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year!
But now you can help!
For only about $2,000.00 a day -- that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV -- you can help keep an impoverished basketball player economically viable during his time of need.
$2,000.00 a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an NBA basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in bug-infested Florida or a life-renewing Mediterranean cruise.
For you, more...

60° F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.50° F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.40° F:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.32° F:
Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moose head Lake's water gets thicker.20° F:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.15° F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.0° F:
All the people in Miami die.
New Englanders close the windows.10° below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.25° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.40° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot more...