Bet Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and more...

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope more...

Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend's Parents

Can I pull my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara's will be okay too.

Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?

Sara is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.

We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!

Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

Two guys are on duty at a french foreign legion fort. One says to the other one, "See that camel over there? I'll bet you I can make him jump 30 feet in the air. The other guy says "No way". The first guy walks around to the back of the camel with two bricks, reaches in between the camel's legs and crashes the bricks together. The camel jumps 30 feet in the air. A couple of days later the first guy says to the second guy, "I bet you I can make that camel nod his head yes, then shake his head no." The second guy says, "You got me last time, but there's no way you can make that dumb animal nod his head yes then shake it no." The first guy takes the same two bricks, walks around to the front of the camel, holds up the bricks and says, "Remember what I did last time?". (Camel nods). "Want me to do it again?"

A stock analyst and a Wall Street broker went to the races. The broker suggested to bet $10, 000 on a horse. The analyst was sceptical, saying that he wanted first to understand the rules, to look on horses, etc. The broker whispered that he knew a secret algorithm for the success, but he could not convince the analyst.

"You are too theoretical," he said and bet on a horse. Surely, that horse came first bringing him a lot of money. Triumphantly, he exclaimed: "I told you, I knew the secret!"

"What is your secret?" the analyst asked.

"It is rather easy. I have two kids, three and five year old. I sum up their ages and I bet on number nine."

"But, three and five is eight," the analyst protested.

"I told you, you are too theoretical!" the broker replied, "Haven't I just shown experimentally that my calculation is correct?!"

A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first two holes and the second fellow said, "We`re about evenly matched, how about playing for $5 a hole?" The first fellow said he was not much for betting but agreed to the terms. The second fellow won the next 16 holes. As they walked off the last hole, the second fellow was counting his $80 and confessed that he was the Pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow said he was the Parish Priest. The Pro was embarrassed and offered to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you, keep your winnings." The Pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" The Priest replied, "Well you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation and if you want more...

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was doing his job okay, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured it wouldn't hurt anything. So he gets a young cock and and lets it loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. So, they are trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.



He walks up to the new bird and says,"So, your the new guy in town. I bet you think you're really hot stuff don't you? I'm not exactly ready for the chopping block yet. I bet I'm still the better bird and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around the hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens to himself."



Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," more...