Bet Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two elderlies are rocking on the porch at the home. "Bet you can't guess how old I am," he says. "Bet I can," she says. "Bet you fifty dollars you can't tell me how old I am," he says. "You're on," she says.

"Stand up." He stands up. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now turn around," she says. She looks him up and she looks him down. "Now, turn back around. . . and drop your pants," she says.

He drops his pants and she looks him up. . . and she looks him down. . . "you're 86," she says. He's dumbounded. "By golly, woman, you're right. I am 86. How'd you know?" She rocks and smiles.

"You told me yesterday!"

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. "I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what? "I work for the IRS."

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist`s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it`s some flowers!" "That`s right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy storeowner`s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it`s a box of candy!" "That`s right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor storeowner`s son, little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," he answered. Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A puppy!"

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that read, "I helped skin Bob."

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in some crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.

Ambition more...

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars."

Abe replies "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you....

Sam interrupts "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard... A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK OK I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers "Eleven years"

"I bet you dont know what day this is", said the wife toher husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened thedoor, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designerdress. The woman couldnt wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then thechocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "Ive neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase ManhattanBank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young manat the window that she wished to take the 3 million she had in thebag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to theamount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and afteropening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of 1, 000 bills whichamounted to right around 3 million, telephoned the bank's secretaryto obtain an appointment for the lady. The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president'soffice. Introductions were made and she stated that she would liketo get to know the people she did business with on a more personallevel. The bank president then asked her where she came into such alarge amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No." sheanswered. "Was it from playing the stock more...