Bet Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he’s willing to bet anyone who says he can’t.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, “What’s the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? ” The dog answers “ROOF. ” The bartender says, “Who are you kidding? I’m not paying. ”
The dogs owner says, “How about double or nothing and I’ll ask him something else. ”
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, “Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time? ” The dog answers with a muffled “RUTH. ”
With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, “DiMaggio? ”

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, “Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he’s got it rough, but his life is easy! ” The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, mister! I’ve seen you in here before. You’re in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living? ” The guy replies, “I make bets for a living. I’ll show you. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye! ” The bartender looks at him and says, “OK, you’re on. ” The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. The bartender says, “I didn’t know you had a glass eye. You win. ” The guy then says, “I’ll let you win your money back. I’ll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye. more...

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!" "That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?" "Just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!" "That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl. "Just a lucky guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she more...

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash. The barman says,? Geez that's a weird dog: he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail. I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it.? 50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces. Another drinker says his pit bull will win but the bet is 100 bucks. Another trip to the yard and when it's all over there are bits of pit-bull terrier all over the place. The drinker pays up and says,? Say what breed is that anyway?? The owner says,? Until I cut his tail off and painted it pink it was the same breed as every other alligator.?

Three young college students are on vacation in Washington, DC. One
day they are walking together past the White House when they hear the
voice of a man crying out, "Help, Help." Quickly, they respond to the
call by leaping over the White House fence, and by following the
cries, they eventually come upon Bill Clinton, drowning in the White
House swimming pool. In an heroic rush, they pull him from the pool,
then give him artificial respiration, clearly saving his life.
After a few minutes, Clinton says to them, "Well, boys, today you
saved my life! And I am willing to give each of you any wish you
desire, as long as it is within my power as President!"

The first fellow thinks for a few seconds then says, "I have
always wanted to go to West Point. Can you get me an
appointment?"

"You bet!" said the President, "I'll sign the papers more...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After he gets his beer
he calls the bartender, and asks him if he's a gambling man.
"It depends," replies the bartender.
"What if I told that I have $100 that says I can bite my own
ear?"
"Bulls@#t!"
So the man takes out his false teeth, and clamps them onto his
ear.
The bartender was pretty P. O. d when he saw that, but he still
gave him the $100.
Then the man tells the bartender that it really wasn't fair of
him to make that bet, since the bartender didn't realize that he had
false teeth, so he offers the bartender a chance to win back his money.
He offers the bartender double or nothing that he can bite his own eye
without removing his false teeth.
"Sure," agrees the bartender, thinking to himself,' there's no
way anybody can bite their own eye.'
Then the man proceeds to remove his glass eye, and bites it.
The more...

1. 1. Uh, hey baby.
2. Uh, do you like come here often, huh huh. I said "come."
3. You need a man in your life, baby. And like, I need a woman. Let's like get into each other's life or whatever.
4. Uh, like let's drop all the uh B. S. and like, you know, do it.
5. Uh, get out of my car and into my dreams, baby.
6. What's your sign? Is it "Yield"? Huh huh huh huh.
7. Would you like carry my books for me?
8. If I said you were sexy, would you hold your body against me?
9. I can make you feel like I've never had sex before.
10. My lips are registered weapons.
11. I'm not trying to pick you up. You're like too heavy. Huh huh huh huh. Get it?
12. If I was the last man on Earth I bet we could do it in public.
13. If you need a love doctor, I have like a medicated degree.
14. If you ever had sex with a machine, that's what it's like with me.' Cause I'm like a sex machine.
15. If you're really hot, I bet more...