Biggest Jokes / Recent Jokes
3 Biggest Software Lies:
The program's fully tested and bugfree.
We're working on the documentation.
Of course we can modify it.
3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose any
files.
We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
The new machines on order.
3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
People are our greatest resource.
We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
The boss is just one of the guys.
Staying small is a conscious decision.
3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
Immediate delivery?...No problem.
We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
We're going out to lunch to talk business.
3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
Some day this course will come in handy.
These tests are more trouble for me than they are for more...
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. "When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. more...
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
" They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
" This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me."
" Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
" I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
" I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
" I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress."
" Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
". .. in Jesus' name. Amen."
You know you work in Corporate America in the 90's if...
You sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different more...
Two nuns walk into a liquor store and one asked the clerk for the biggest bottle of Irish whisky he had. The clerk replied "Heck no sister, you nuns and aren't supposed to drink that stuff!"The nun said "Well my son it is not for us you see, it is for Mother Teresa," then the nun whispers "She has the constipation." The clerk said "Oh, in that case, it's on the house. Here's the biggest jug we have." The nuns thank him, bless him, and leave. A few hours later, as the clerk is leaving, he sees the same two sisters in the parking lot, rolling around and drinking the Irish whiskey. Appalled he goes over to them and says "You ladies lied to me! You told me it was for Mother Teresa for her constipation!"One of the nuns takes another swig, looks up at him and says "You wanna know something buddy? She sure will shit when she sees us!"
The full moon Friday night was the biggest one of the year as the moon reached its closest point to our planet. The moon was so close to Earth, in fact, that Sarah Palin prolcaimed, "I can see the Sea of Tranquility from my house."
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the
usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five
years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them
with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from
each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and
after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day
came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a more...
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth-that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. Home is where the house is. Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the more...