Biggest Jokes / Recent Jokes
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What's the biggest drawback in the jungle? The Elephants foreskin.
-- From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the more...
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the more...
What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says,' 'Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited.'' The groom replies,' 'I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.'' The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says,' 'Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited.'' The bride replies' 'I have just given the last blow job of my entire life.''
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."...I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants
to wash clothes on the last day of their life? -- Age 15Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. -- Age 13Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote. -- Age 10For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. -- Age 6Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with! -- Age 6As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes more...