Bill Jokes / Recent Jokes

* Note: I am unsure whether this is true, but it is still funny.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to more...

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill?
Ah thought ah paid it!

Did ya hear what President Clinton had to say about the Abortion Bill? Ah thought ah paid it!

George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Al Gore all arrive in heaven where an angel meets them. "All of you must cross this river and we shall judge how much you have sinned based upon how far you sink," says the angel.
Dubya goes first and sinks up to his neck, but makes it across. As he looks back he sees Al Gore walking on the water.
"What gives?" Dubya whines to the angel. "He's sinned just as much as I have."
"He's standing on Bill's shoulders!" replies the angel.

Here's some advice Bill Gates dished out at a high school speech about 11 things they would not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a full generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
RULE 1
Life is not fair-get used to it.
RULE 2
The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
RULE 3
You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with a car phone, until you earn both.
RULE 4
If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
RULE 5
Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
RULE 6
If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes - more...

Bill Clinton, Lee Kwan Yew and Mahathir arranged to go on a world tour, traveling on a plane which can only take 4 people, including the pilot. Just before they left, Bill Clinton suddenly announced that he would like to bring his little nephew along.' But the plane is designed to take 4 people only, and I'm afraid it may crash!' worried the pilot. However, Clinton insisted, and finally the boy was allowed to board the plane. True enough, the plane encountered problems and was going to crash, but to their dismay, there were only 4 parachutes. Clinton grabbed the 1st parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the president of the mighty USA, and my life is the most valuable!' and jumped down the plane without a second look. Lee Kwan Yew grabbed the 2nd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Senior Minister of Singapore, and my life is just as important!' and jumped down. Mahathir, not to be outdone, grabbed the 3rd parachute and exclaimed,' I'm the Prime Minister of Malaysia, the most important of more...

Knowing that Bill was in the hospital near death, the family called the priest to be with them. As the priest stood next to the bed, Bill's condition started to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for a piece of paper to write on. The priest handed him pen and paper and using his last bit of energy, Bill scribbled his message and died.
Thinking it best not to read the note at that time, the priest tucked it into his jacket pocket.
As he was finishing the service at Bill's funeral, the priest realized he was wearng the same jacket as when Bill died. He said, "Bill handed me this note just before he died. I haven't looked at it but knowing Bill, I'm sure it's a wonderful message."
With that, he opened the note and read "Get off my oxygen tube!"