Birth Jokes / Recent Jokes

Pregnancy humor which I lifted from Joyce Armor's 1989 book The Dictionary According to Mommy.
afterpainsa chance to relive the highlights of your labor.
amnesiathe condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
anestheticthe painkiller that crazy women refuse during labor.
bladderthe only part of Mommy that Baby flattens like a pancake during the last few weeks of pregnancy.
constipationNature's way of making pregnant women practice pushing.
due-datewhat only seems light-years away.
eating for twoa nice way to say "pigging out."
false laborall stressed up and nowhere to go.
forcepsgiant baby tweezers.
hard labora redundancy, like "working mother."
hospitalthe last place Mommy will get to rest until the next time she gives birth.
impregnablea woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
labor coachthe person who reminds you to breathe during labor.
misconceptiona pregnancy that more...

Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person's birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual's job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee's hidden personality traits.
MARKETING:
You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing - which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
SALES:
Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a "marketer without a degree". You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big more...

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up."

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate.
The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, "Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?"
The waiter thought a moment, then said, "I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, it's too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up."

You were so ugly as a baby you were the poster child on the birth control posters.

Are birth control pills deductible? Only if they don't work.