Birthday Jokes / Recent Jokes

What did one candle say to the other?"Dont birthdays burn you up?"

Ive been shopping for my wifes birthday present. What did you get her? A bottle of expensive toilet water. It cost 20. 20! Why didnt you come to my house - you could have had some of ours for free!

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

Asked how he wanted the message arranged, he said, "Just put' You are not getting older' at the top and' You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN
(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.
SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's more...

"My birthdays coming"Do you know what I need?" "Yeah, but how do you wrap a life?"

DEMERIT POINT SYSTEM USED BY WOMEN(The code is finally broken - the demerit system is no longer a mystery!) For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance and relationship responsibilities, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects... Sorry, but that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed... 1 You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows... 0 You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets... -1 You leave the toilet seat up... -5 You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty... 0 When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1 When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.-2 You check out a suspicious noise at night... 0 You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing... 0 You more...